Carrying on from my previous post. I know my love. To be honest I found out because of youtube. Before, the "picture" of this person was only about 50% complete.
Woh, let's back up a second here. What am I talking about... I guess I need to explain to you how I interpret love in my mind. It is difficult in a way as everyone's love is unique to them and may share similarities particularly if they are within the same culture you are. But make no mistake your love is as unique as you are and you are one of a kind. No two people are identical or you'd be occupying the same space at the same time and that is impossible, well unless you want to get into quantum theory, and you don't want to get into quantum theory.
I think you can break love down into all the things you like about someone but each thing has an upper and lower limit, so parameters basically, like - not too short not too tall, - not to fat not too thin, - not to chatty, not too quiet, - not to geeky, not to jockish etc. (Humans all seem to think digitally in extremes but healthy thinking is all about finding a balance I find)
So you could probably come up with like, a thousand parameters if you really wanted to but all these things in our heads get processed in a second and what we experience is a "feeling". THAT feeling. That this person is great, amazing, the one. So looking at it like mathematics, it's like a huge bar chart with all these parameters on it and asking where on each scale does this person live. Are they in the middle green area (yes), are they the outer yellow( no but depends on other parameters) or are they way out in the red (deal breaker, this person is clearly a baboon). Then it can be quantified like 978/1000 and therefore boom got us a percentage 97.8% . yellows can be between 0 and 1, but I prefer to just be yay or nay. and red shouldn't ever happen unless you are being silly and the subject is a baboon.
Now this seems really neurotic but actually, it isn't obsessive at all because I've always known there is no such thing as 100% all green/perfect. It doens't exist. This is just what I think is going on inside everyone's head unconsciously. It's about compatibility at the end of the day, not the single "idea" of perfection.
Now as a rule of experience it is my belief that you can love someone dearly and truly if they have the same or higher percentage compatibility than your previous loves. So Maybe your first love is ~25% then your second love is ~33% etc. BUT it only works one way. If you go lower, then you are "settling" and frankly that's a pile of sh*t because I'm pretty sure you will just have that previous person at the back of your mind the whole time. Maybe you are fulfilling some civil duty, who knows
Now, when I was young I tended to fall in love just because of one thing, that usually involved some sense of mystery. I liked mysterious women, but in retrospect there was only like, I dunno ~25% compatibility. But nature it seems, does this to get you in there and get you interested otherwise how are you supposed to find out who you are compatible with? right? makes sense. so the mystery is replaced by compatibility through experience.
So after all that love theory what I've been trying to say is since discovering youtube, the other 50% of the "picture" has been filled in for me without making any effort on my part what so ever, unless you consider clicking effort (I'll go into the physcology of YouTube on me in another blog later on). This has been both a gift and a curse. A gift because: hey, I know what I'm looking for, so that's great huh. But then there's the big kicker, yer, so now I've found someone that I'm pretty sure is as close to 100% as life will ever realistcly get, it's all like a dream, then I wake up to realise, that I doubt this person will ever be in my life, I mean, to even have a chance I'd need to A) have this person know me and B) Be single and available which I'm pretty sure she's not.
So it feels like if I did find someone else interested in me in the future, I'll have that dreaded feeling of settling... this is as good as it's gonna get. nope. So this is what I carry and thinking it through I think I should remain single, most likely indeffinatly, unless I find someone even more compatible (she's like a 99%er), lol. OR said person actually takes an interest in me, ha. *Honestly she deserves someone waaaaaay better than me. I'm not what you call a success story. Maybe that will change when I get my own place and get out on my own*
I just hope people accept me remaining single and don't be all weird about it. I'm fine being single really as long as people are ok with it.
P.S. Funny I just recalled a youtube video I watched about procrastinators (link here) and goes on to describe them (me). It's so true that I am all or nothing. I don't like the idea of settling, so I'd rather settle for nothing.
to be continued ...
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