Just so you know

Just so you know This was done to me, I didn't do it to myself. I know I'm crazy because I remember very well what it's like to be OK. About 7 years ago I had a gradual nervous break down and really was just left to be like a zombie. I've recovered some what since then but I am never OK, nothing like what I was like before. My short term memory its totally shot I can barely remember what I went into a room for but my long term is fine. I still remember my earliest memory of being in my pram with the plastic rain cover on and the rain beads rolling down the front and sides.

On another note the complete lack of justice in the world really gets to me. It seems only bad things happen to good people and assholes are "just" assholes, "what can you do". Even when supposedly good people do good things its usually giving money to charity. Call me paranoid/faithless but what actually happens with that money and why does no charity choose to show off their accomplishments. You only see the pain in charity as to make you feel like an asshole. Where is the progress? What is actually happening?

Further, as human beings are creatures of indoctrination based on the current social construct, where is the incentive for humans to want to be a good person. Why is the only reward greed and vanity. Why make people bad. Why not, oh I don't know have community where if I scratch your back you can scratch mine, you know the thing that existed before mass consumerism for hundreds of thousands of years. It's just impossible to be a good person in this construct as you are expected to be an asshole especially if you are a man. The only reward I've got for being good in my introverted way is social anxiety and depression amongst being a touchaphobe. You know, as a young man after grammar school I hung around with women and treated them with nothing but respect and you next thing that happened was one of them asking if I was gay. Oh and a girlfriend I had years ago, I bought her flowers and wrote poetry, she thought it was over the top. I mean you can't win? People only understand normal yet the television and film is anything but normal, it takes ordinary life and blows it up into extremes. This seems grossly inconsistent and hypocritical and just pacifies the population.

Where is the justice in the world, where is the community. The internet supposedly has multitudes of communities but I can never find anyone who wants to talk. I'm always just a follower trying to work on improving my sense of humour but nothing actually happens, it's not real to me and gets frustrating.

I have much to offer the world but no one knows

EDIT:
Also I want to say that any one is allowed to influence my behaviour if it's too my face and is based on reasoning, but no one is allowed to fuck with my identity. It has been carefully crafted on reasoning for a peaceful, fair and just world and I will defend it to my dying breath. People of this world really don't seem to know the difference between the two and that is a real problem