I've really relapsed again. That horrible feeling of hoplessness. Not a happy bunney.
I really need a distraction big time and something, ANYTHING to look forward to, maybe the sweet release of death, lol. I have a feeling this will be a reocurring thing in my life, at least till something changes, like a girlfriend.
I have this creeping feeling like I am tottaly unlovable. I know you shouldn't need anyone else to define you but a little bit of love would help me out cosiderably and not in a following people in social media way. I'm SICK of fucking social media. It has such an addictive quality to it, I've blocked all the websites on my computer as it constantly leaves me feeling empty and a desire to come back for more. There are times when some youtuber may answer you back which is great but it's like once or twice a month and it just eats away at my time, hours go past in the blink of an eye. So sick of it, it's an illness. SO unhappy right now. Fuck it
Youtube is still good to go within reason. At least that's a silver lining. That was a good time actually when I was fine being alone last year and had just discovered youtube. It was great as TV had gone stale for me years before. It was a welcomed change with shows more tailor made for a specific audience.
I really don't trust myself with social media as I am totally undisciplined. Intentionally I'd only use it if people wanted to reach me not the other way around. This side of the fence is not a good place to be. It's like chasing after a fake family that might like you if you had something to show but I don't cos I am on Social Fucking Media all the time!
I just had a holiday. Wasn't the best. Need another one, one where I can relax and not think about any fucking one I would follow on social media. Pissed off with it. I'll go alone obviously as I have no one to go with. My anxiety is gonna be going through the roof though. As long as there is drink to be had, I can drown my sorrows at a bar on a beach front or something. That sound ok.
<inhale> <exhale> that's better
Sunday, 28 September 2014
fed up beyond, nothing will change
I feel like shit today. fucking shit. But I've been a lot worse.
This economy is soooo bad for my mental health it isn't true.
I'm epically pissed off because my bank yer, last year was willing to lend about £97k and now it's gone down to about £56k. So basically I'm being punished for being born in 1985 instead of 1984. Thanks economy you're so fair to people. The worst thing isn't how inaccessible things are cos they cost too much its how you have to wait sooo long for life things to happen like get a house which is pretty fundamental to your existence. I should of been in my own apartment in a full time job as soon as I left Uni age 22. But no, I'm 29 and am still waiting.
People need to understand that not everyone is competitive, not everyone has a kill or be killed mentality, and some of us are very passive and submissive. Doesn't mean I want to be controlled it just means when it comes to relationships I like to do things for other people cooperatively, but work in my own space. Let's say I have a feminine nature. Can I show it, no of course not cos that would make sense and make everything ok and life only knows how to treat me like fucking shit.
On top of that I can't do anything I actually want to do unless I'm in the right mood for it, and I'm never in the right mood
I have no self esteem, no social skills, nothing to show, no "real" friends, yet I know I'm a really good person. Life is just an absolute piece of shit and punishes nice people especially if you are born with a penis.
I wish so hard I could live in a world where I can be a delicate person because I am very delicate and vulnerable. This is the way I am
This economy is soooo bad for my mental health it isn't true.
I'm epically pissed off because my bank yer, last year was willing to lend about £97k and now it's gone down to about £56k. So basically I'm being punished for being born in 1985 instead of 1984. Thanks economy you're so fair to people. The worst thing isn't how inaccessible things are cos they cost too much its how you have to wait sooo long for life things to happen like get a house which is pretty fundamental to your existence. I should of been in my own apartment in a full time job as soon as I left Uni age 22. But no, I'm 29 and am still waiting.
People need to understand that not everyone is competitive, not everyone has a kill or be killed mentality, and some of us are very passive and submissive. Doesn't mean I want to be controlled it just means when it comes to relationships I like to do things for other people cooperatively, but work in my own space. Let's say I have a feminine nature. Can I show it, no of course not cos that would make sense and make everything ok and life only knows how to treat me like fucking shit.
On top of that I can't do anything I actually want to do unless I'm in the right mood for it, and I'm never in the right mood
I have no self esteem, no social skills, nothing to show, no "real" friends, yet I know I'm a really good person. Life is just an absolute piece of shit and punishes nice people especially if you are born with a penis.
I wish so hard I could live in a world where I can be a delicate person because I am very delicate and vulnerable. This is the way I am
Saturday, 13 September 2014
The Love I know you, so staying single
Carrying on from my previous post. I know my love. To be honest I found out because of youtube. Before, the "picture" of this person was only about 50% complete.
Woh, let's back up a second here. What am I talking about... I guess I need to explain to you how I interpret love in my mind. It is difficult in a way as everyone's love is unique to them and may share similarities particularly if they are within the same culture you are. But make no mistake your love is as unique as you are and you are one of a kind. No two people are identical or you'd be occupying the same space at the same time and that is impossible, well unless you want to get into quantum theory, and you don't want to get into quantum theory.
I think you can break love down into all the things you like about someone but each thing has an upper and lower limit, so parameters basically, like - not too short not too tall, - not to fat not too thin, - not to chatty, not too quiet, - not to geeky, not to jockish etc. (Humans all seem to think digitally in extremes but healthy thinking is all about finding a balance I find)
So you could probably come up with like, a thousand parameters if you really wanted to but all these things in our heads get processed in a second and what we experience is a "feeling". THAT feeling. That this person is great, amazing, the one. So looking at it like mathematics, it's like a huge bar chart with all these parameters on it and asking where on each scale does this person live. Are they in the middle green area (yes), are they the outer yellow( no but depends on other parameters) or are they way out in the red (deal breaker, this person is clearly a baboon). Then it can be quantified like 978/1000 and therefore boom got us a percentage 97.8% . yellows can be between 0 and 1, but I prefer to just be yay or nay. and red shouldn't ever happen unless you are being silly and the subject is a baboon.
Now this seems really neurotic but actually, it isn't obsessive at all because I've always known there is no such thing as 100% all green/perfect. It doens't exist. This is just what I think is going on inside everyone's head unconsciously. It's about compatibility at the end of the day, not the single "idea" of perfection.
Now as a rule of experience it is my belief that you can love someone dearly and truly if they have the same or higher percentage compatibility than your previous loves. So Maybe your first love is ~25% then your second love is ~33% etc. BUT it only works one way. If you go lower, then you are "settling" and frankly that's a pile of sh*t because I'm pretty sure you will just have that previous person at the back of your mind the whole time. Maybe you are fulfilling some civil duty, who knows
Now, when I was young I tended to fall in love just because of one thing, that usually involved some sense of mystery. I liked mysterious women, but in retrospect there was only like, I dunno ~25% compatibility. But nature it seems, does this to get you in there and get you interested otherwise how are you supposed to find out who you are compatible with? right? makes sense. so the mystery is replaced by compatibility through experience.
So after all that love theory what I've been trying to say is since discovering youtube, the other 50% of the "picture" has been filled in for me without making any effort on my part what so ever, unless you consider clicking effort (I'll go into the physcology of YouTube on me in another blog later on). This has been both a gift and a curse. A gift because: hey, I know what I'm looking for, so that's great huh. But then there's the big kicker, yer, so now I've found someone that I'm pretty sure is as close to 100% as life will ever realistcly get, it's all like a dream, then I wake up to realise, that I doubt this person will ever be in my life, I mean, to even have a chance I'd need to A) have this person know me and B) Be single and available which I'm pretty sure she's not.
So it feels like if I did find someone else interested in me in the future, I'll have that dreaded feeling of settling... this is as good as it's gonna get. nope. So this is what I carry and thinking it through I think I should remain single, most likely indeffinatly, unless I find someone even more compatible (she's like a 99%er), lol. OR said person actually takes an interest in me, ha. *Honestly she deserves someone waaaaaay better than me. I'm not what you call a success story. Maybe that will change when I get my own place and get out on my own*
I just hope people accept me remaining single and don't be all weird about it. I'm fine being single really as long as people are ok with it.
P.S. Funny I just recalled a youtube video I watched about procrastinators (link here) and goes on to describe them (me). It's so true that I am all or nothing. I don't like the idea of settling, so I'd rather settle for nothing.
to be continued ...
Woh, let's back up a second here. What am I talking about... I guess I need to explain to you how I interpret love in my mind. It is difficult in a way as everyone's love is unique to them and may share similarities particularly if they are within the same culture you are. But make no mistake your love is as unique as you are and you are one of a kind. No two people are identical or you'd be occupying the same space at the same time and that is impossible, well unless you want to get into quantum theory, and you don't want to get into quantum theory.
I think you can break love down into all the things you like about someone but each thing has an upper and lower limit, so parameters basically, like - not too short not too tall, - not to fat not too thin, - not to chatty, not too quiet, - not to geeky, not to jockish etc. (Humans all seem to think digitally in extremes but healthy thinking is all about finding a balance I find)
So you could probably come up with like, a thousand parameters if you really wanted to but all these things in our heads get processed in a second and what we experience is a "feeling". THAT feeling. That this person is great, amazing, the one. So looking at it like mathematics, it's like a huge bar chart with all these parameters on it and asking where on each scale does this person live. Are they in the middle green area (yes), are they the outer yellow( no but depends on other parameters) or are they way out in the red (deal breaker, this person is clearly a baboon). Then it can be quantified like 978/1000 and therefore boom got us a percentage 97.8% . yellows can be between 0 and 1, but I prefer to just be yay or nay. and red shouldn't ever happen unless you are being silly and the subject is a baboon.
Now this seems really neurotic but actually, it isn't obsessive at all because I've always known there is no such thing as 100% all green/perfect. It doens't exist. This is just what I think is going on inside everyone's head unconsciously. It's about compatibility at the end of the day, not the single "idea" of perfection.
Now as a rule of experience it is my belief that you can love someone dearly and truly if they have the same or higher percentage compatibility than your previous loves. So Maybe your first love is ~25% then your second love is ~33% etc. BUT it only works one way. If you go lower, then you are "settling" and frankly that's a pile of sh*t because I'm pretty sure you will just have that previous person at the back of your mind the whole time. Maybe you are fulfilling some civil duty, who knows
Now, when I was young I tended to fall in love just because of one thing, that usually involved some sense of mystery. I liked mysterious women, but in retrospect there was only like, I dunno ~25% compatibility. But nature it seems, does this to get you in there and get you interested otherwise how are you supposed to find out who you are compatible with? right? makes sense. so the mystery is replaced by compatibility through experience.
So after all that love theory what I've been trying to say is since discovering youtube, the other 50% of the "picture" has been filled in for me without making any effort on my part what so ever, unless you consider clicking effort (I'll go into the physcology of YouTube on me in another blog later on). This has been both a gift and a curse. A gift because: hey, I know what I'm looking for, so that's great huh. But then there's the big kicker, yer, so now I've found someone that I'm pretty sure is as close to 100% as life will ever realistcly get, it's all like a dream, then I wake up to realise, that I doubt this person will ever be in my life, I mean, to even have a chance I'd need to A) have this person know me and B) Be single and available which I'm pretty sure she's not.
So it feels like if I did find someone else interested in me in the future, I'll have that dreaded feeling of settling... this is as good as it's gonna get. nope. So this is what I carry and thinking it through I think I should remain single, most likely indeffinatly, unless I find someone even more compatible (she's like a 99%er), lol. OR said person actually takes an interest in me, ha. *Honestly she deserves someone waaaaaay better than me. I'm not what you call a success story. Maybe that will change when I get my own place and get out on my own*
I just hope people accept me remaining single and don't be all weird about it. I'm fine being single really as long as people are ok with it.
P.S. Funny I just recalled a youtube video I watched about procrastinators (link here) and goes on to describe them (me). It's so true that I am all or nothing. I don't like the idea of settling, so I'd rather settle for nothing.
to be continued ...
settle down, unnatural normal
Arr, the burden of being single, kinda like having leprosy yet no one mentions it. But worse is the feeling like I'm obligated to do something about it. It really doesn't work like that and I think most people know this, they just pick the quickest, easiest option.
I have no desire to be single but I refuse to compromise my beliefs which are very important to me. There is a certain way certain things have to happen and that is never more true than falling in love and spending the rest of your life with the one you love.
Oh, of course, you think I'm being "unrealistic". Well, my parents were so-called "realistic" and got together because of circumstance and the overwhelming desire to be "normal" and fit in. They haven't had the best marriage and nor will they and they didn't make brilliant parents either. Not that I didn't have everything I needed but I had little or no interaction with my parents growing up. Giving into social paranoia and peer pressure is clearly not the answer. Why make yourself miserable, it's plain stupid. And at the end of the day, I'd rather be miserable and alone than miserable with someone else I really can't stand... you just tolerate... that's my parents' marriage in one word: tolerate. Sums up this day and age we live in really... or so it seems.
So what do I mean by "the way it happens" you ask? Well, I think that is very subjective and down to you the individual but basically, it needs to not feel artificial and forced. You know... natural.
So dating agencies...
Christ, you may as well stick us all in the matrix and be done with it. I mean seriously what is the point to life if you're gonna let machines and artificial means to dictate the important events in your life. I'm sorry if you have used it and found it great, but for me, it goes profoundly against my beliefs. It feels wrong. And now I think about it... why is it perfectly "normal" and socially acceptable to use dating agency's to match you with the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with using companies with computers, but it's not normal for a human male to wear a skirt even though his genitals are on the outside of his body therefore designed to be kept cool. Science! But seriously, society gets quite a lot of things wrong when you analyse it.
I mean, I'd use a dating site for the experience, that's fine, just for funsies, but everyone else would be taking it seriously so it wouldn't be fair on them if I turned up with no intention of actually looking for someone.
But of course, society is a game of numbers and people have funny ways of making you feel like shit for sticking out. Fuck them, frankly. but if you think I'm being fussy, yes I think that is a fair comment, but I know my love, I know my compatibility, and if I end up living the rest of my life being single I don't see why that has to guarantee, a life of misery (yes that was a triple rhythm, marvellous) It's just a social construct, and the idea that is planted in your head that you have to be partnered up. Having a mediocre marriage benefits no one especially your children. Which I would like to have, but ONLY in the right, healthy, balanced relationship which in turn will create a healthy environment for them to grow up in.
to be continued...
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