not again

I've really relapsed again. That horrible feeling of hoplessness. Not a happy bunney.
I really need a distraction big time and something, ANYTHING to look forward to, maybe the sweet release of death, lol. I have a feeling this will be a reocurring thing in my life, at least till something changes, like a girlfriend.
I have this creeping feeling like I am tottaly unlovable. I know you shouldn't need anyone else to define you but a little bit of love would help me out cosiderably and not in a following people in social media way. I'm SICK of fucking social media. It has such an addictive quality to it, I've blocked all the websites on my computer as it constantly leaves me feeling empty and a desire to come back for more. There are times when some youtuber may answer you back which is great but it's like once or twice a month and it just eats away at my time, hours go past in the blink of an eye. So sick of it, it's an illness. SO unhappy right now. Fuck it
Youtube is still good to go within reason. At least that's a silver lining. That was a good time actually when I was fine being alone last year and had just discovered youtube. It was great as TV had gone stale for me years before. It was a welcomed change with shows more tailor made for a specific audience.
I really don't trust myself with social media as I am totally undisciplined. Intentionally I'd only use it if people wanted to reach me not the other way around. This side of the fence is not a good place to be. It's like chasing after a fake family that might like you if you had something to show but I don't cos I am on Social Fucking Media all the time!

I just had a holiday. Wasn't the best. Need another one, one where I can relax and not think about any fucking one I would follow on social media. Pissed off with it. I'll go alone obviously as I have no one to go with. My anxiety is gonna be going through the roof though. As long as there is drink to be had, I can drown my sorrows at a bar on  a beach front or something. That sound ok.
 

<inhale> <exhale> that's better